The thing is, I've spent the majority of my college career living for other people. I spend very little time on myself, and I think of others before myself in probably 90% of the situations I find myself in.
Last year taught me a hard lesson. Because, I lived for others so totally people not only depended on me too much, they outright took advantage of me. I didn't realize this until my supervisor mentioned it and later my coworkers confirmed it. But lately I've really been trying to live for myself more. Most of the time I feel lost and uncertain about what to do with myself. But, see, now that I've finished my book and am on my way to seeking out an agent and ultimately a publisher, I feel that I don't have enough time for myself.
I would like nothing more than to isolate myself for hours and hours at a time--no matter how antsy it makes me feel--and just work on my story.
That's why I want to drop the teacher thing. I feel that with this new revelation on my mind I don't have the capacity to give my all to students who need it. I can't see myself being an absentee teacher. If I do something i have to give it not just my 6am to 4pm, but my 5am to 8pm. That leaves very little time for social excursions and outings and just plain random planning.
I'm not generally a stick to the books kind of person. I like randomization in my life. I like surprises and being able to surprise back when necessary. But as is, if I go into teaching I will feel obligated to give my 100% when what I really want to do is give my writing 100%. Sure there's room for a balance, but not one I'm willing to compromise on too much. That's the problem. Compromise. Out of all the things that I am flexible on writing, time to write and focus on writing is not one of them.
My writing is my passion, my first love, my life. If I compromise on that... then I forfeit everything I am.
I realize, looking at the steady decline in my grades that I'm not happy. That more and more I'm trying to grasp some sense of self control will still giving up everything I can to other people.
I am not happy. It's almost impossible to wrap my mind around. That is because in general I'm a very contented person. I neither need nor want much out of life, and I'm usually rewarded for my lack of needs. It was hard to think that while my depression from last year was going away, that is the internal emotions keeping me down, went away, I was declining as well. My happiness was steadily, slowly but surely seeping away to the point where, at the end of the semester I was ready to just run away. The cut and run as it were.
I have a hard time even now understanding that I'm unhappy. I'm very unhappy on the inside right now. But externally I can still be happy, genuinely happy, with my friends and relatives.
It's a weird sort of dissonance I am experiencing.
But, I'm determined this summer to defeat that unhappiness. I'm spending more time with my friend so I don't feel so alone anymore. I'm taking my education by the reigns and directing it where I need to go.
Yes I'm still fighting a sense of apathy towards classwork and school in general, but I know I can come out of this if i can just find the framework for the future that I need.
In looking at the curriculum for the English/English w/ Teaching majors there's not much of a difference that I can't make up for very quickly. I think this will make me much more happy than I have been.
I find it odd that I have to often reach a near breakdown before I can even step back and take everything into account.
The future awaits the willing, the past stays with the unwilling. Who moves forward?