So, he's left. Circumstances have not allowed him to stay. Thus any chance I had of telling him, even of past feelings, is gone. Even though I feel that he doesn't, and probably won't love me back, I still wanted to tell him, to explain why I acted the way I did sometimes. I don't think he understood.

I feel bad that sometimes I come across too strong. Too fragile in my sense of self that I must act a fool in order to feel that I can be accepted. To him, I wanted to be accepted above all others. Maybe that's where everything went wrong. I feel I need to soulsearch over this.

The time has come to evaluate how and why I do things for and with people. My heart is now broken in pieces because I have failed.  But like in all things, I will recover and will stand strong, maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but soon. Everyday has taught me a new lesson about life and about love.

He, who is out of my reach now, I loved him, I will still love him, I will forever love him for the friend that he was for me. He kept me steady when I was adrift, and now it is time to move on. It can't be said that two people who meet wont work out later. Maybe our time is later, and maybe our time is never.

Days and months will pass before I see him again. And in that time it may be decided that I have to move on to other people. I would welcome the chance to fall in love again, but not now.

Mick High, I love you.

I cried when you left, I cried after you walked away with only a half-smile and a wave. I cried because you whom I love have gone away.  

Mick High. I love you.

I love you for your strength and I love you for your weakness.

My heart breaks only because I can't have you, not because I can't love you.

The way the world clicks, ticking like a clock, ticking like a metronome going up and down in beat, you would think that things would make sense. That isn't the case. The simplicity of the world hides a beautiful complexity, the complexity hides a beautiful simplicity.

The people in the world, who make up the varying, diverse components of the world try hard to fit in with the matrix of ideas and places. Sometimes it appears that cog can't fit with a bolt, and bolt with a screw. Ungainly and unsure, we enter to world and try to find the place where we need to fit. In the process we find and encounter people of many shapes and sizes, personality and character. The people that populate our worldly matrix, to us, also do not fit sometimes. Having someone who stands out, someone who seems to say and do all the wrong things messes up the order and complex simplicity of our worldview.

Someone I know is like that. She doesn't fit, she doesn't know her place in the world. She obviously is trying so hard to fit in that she disturbs the natural order and flow of our framework. Being stressed out much of this semester I had little time to want or even apply practical understandings to her. I don't like her. I pity her. She is annoying and she is unfortunate.

In my life, I have sought to understand all types of character and personality. The characters that make up our real world can be rich sources of information for filling fictional stories. I have loved the character of people so much that I have done much to find out what I can about what motivates and drives people to act the way they do. For this girl I have had little sympathy and little motivation to understand. She has invaded in my life where I haven't wanted her to, and she will be a jagged point in my summer. She, who I will henceforth refer to as VP will be working along side myself and 10 other people at my work. I don't know how much of her I will be able to handle, but .....


I have decided to turn her into a Project. Every so often, I find a person who messes everything up about the world as I see it. Some of these people I like and some I don't like. VP is one I don't like.

It's hard for me to dislike, it's an ugly feeling to hold onto and fills my world, my matrix of ideas and thoughts with negativity and the wrong ideas. For people who I don't like, who become Projects, I seek to understand and turn that dislike into understanding. Sometimes, Projects whom I dislike turn into Projects who I do like. I don't know how, at this point in time, if I will ever come to like VP. I don't feel obligated to, nor do I feel the need to like her. My love and my like, I usually give freely, but she has gotten to the point where freely giving my patience and like is hard because she's one of those people who, if you give them an inch of anything, they will TAKE a mile of the same. People like that are draining on my system.

I have to figure out how to study her without showing too much interest. By it's very nature Projects have to have a lot of interest put into them. I have to ask questions and I have to discover answers. But because I don't want her to think that interest in the wrong way, I have to do this subversively, sneakily, and underhandedly. At first anyway.

Projects work basically like this...

Part one: I have to figure out how a Project responds to situations, and people. Different stimuli encourages different responses. The same with people.  

Part two: How do they respond when provoked. Provocation can be good or bad. It can mean that I encourage the Project to do something out of their comfort zone or it can mean that I respond negatively to something that the Project has done.

Part three: What causes the Project to respond in such a way? This part is harder because it means I have to find out what in this person's past and present has caused them to be the way they are. This part is also the longest. It could take months at the most. Most people however can usually be figured out within one. That is in my usual experience. VP may be harder to understand because of my interest limitations.

Part four: Finish compiling all that I have gained and understand the Project on a clear level. That is, each part must be added to the previous and the unessential parts weeded out. When all is laid out on the table then a mosaic will appear.

The parts are simplified of course, and the process is long and difficult. I don't want to dislike VP. I don't want to dislike anyone.

I doubt I could ever give VP my friendship, but I can gain an understanding. OF the world in which she lives. Understanding in the place of dislike is the best place for her and especially for me.


 

This summer will be a challenge.

Not only do I have to deal with my heart, I also have to deal with coworkers who I don't like. I'm feeling stressed right now because of my grades. I'm feeling stressed now because of my friends. I'm feeling stressed now because the guy that I really love doesn't seem to want to be around me anymore. I'm stressed because this girl I have to work with is so freaking annoying that I don't think I'll go the summer without snapping at her.

I'm okay with the grades right now. I kinda wanted to appeal one of them, but most of it is my fault.

My friends, my new friends that is, don't seem to want to keep up our friendships as much as I would want to.

He is acting oddly. He hardly even gets close to me anymore. I think he knows.

I'm not sure though, but I know that soon, very soon, I will approach him. I'm prepared for him to say that he doesn't, or can't feel the same way.

This coworker is going to be my duty partner and I'm so mad. She is high-maintenance and self-centered and full of the most obnoxious desire to please everyone around her. I don't want this. At all. I'm so tempted to drop out for the summer and stay home so that I can just RELAX for a few goddamn minutes.

Now, I just need sleep. I need to relax. I need a break. The rest of May will be devoted to my writing. Book 2 is on its way.

I think the bridge is breaking. I think that he whom I love is not going to love me. The more time that passes, I want to tell him.

The bridge is breaking.

The bridge is falling.

The bridge is cracking.

I'm really hurting now.

I think I'll have to move on.
 

What will come of time and place
when knowledge comes from deepest deep?

Resounding in our hearts
truth can be hurtful and
heart can be joyful.

Make way for it
beloved souls.

truth is hidden
in mysterious
ways.

I never thought it was possible to overthink things. This past year has taught me how it's not only possible but how I do it too much.

Of the things that have occurred this past year the past month has been the most jam packed with hurt and because of it personal growth. I now am faced with something that makes me wonder if I'm again overthinking things.

Little moments, little things, like a word, a way he says things, a way he looks, sometimes he seems like he's on the same page as me, and sometimes he seems like he's in a whole other book. See, some time ago, maybe a couple months ago, he met some new friends. He, being one of the few people I spent any amount of time with, suddenly wasn't around anymore. He drifted away and I was left alone. 

Now, whenever we are in the same room and his new friends or even our mutual friends are around he seems to ignore me. His attention is elsewhere. When it's just the two of us we connect again. It hurts. It hurts so much. I don't understand. And I keep trying to tell myself... don't over think it.

When I started trying to actively break my own heart when it came to him--to separate myself from him and make myself free from this self-destructive love--I wanted to see if he would search me out if I disappeared. His new friends keep him occupied and it's hard to tell if he even notices that I'm gone.

I'm now at a point where I wonder, standing on the very precipice between two ideas, if he actually likes me like I do him, or if I'm just another person, just another face in the crowd.

The proof on either side is nearly balanced equally. The precipice is widening and tearing me in half with it.

Again, I worry that I'm overthinking things. I don't know how to find the truth to any of these things other than just approaching him and asking him.

I'm too chicken right now.

But I tell myself, If by the end of the semester I still feel as strongly as I do. I will tell him. And I will let it be known that I love him. 

So, school is almost out. I have a bunch of papers left to write, by a big fault of mine. I didn't get started on these when I had the chance early on in the semester. This could teach me a valuable lesson about doing my work ahead of time, but I wonder how much of it I will recall in a few months when next semester starts. Will I be the same old procrastinator that I have become or will I learn from the hardship of this semester?

I suppose it's a question that will only be answered when next semester comes. I think in a way though I have an inkling of an answer. It wont be hard to work effectively and ahead of time if I just devote some time each day to each thing. It's hard, but is life ever easy? I've already begun working on my class notebooks for next semester, with a binder and a meticulously organized set of folders. I hope that I can and have learned from the hard work of this school year.

Now I have to contact one of my professors about an Incomplete grade I got last semester and try and finish that assignment. I can't BS this... I have to be honest with myself and my teacher. I screwed up an assignment and I should be grateful that I can make it up.

Overall I feel that this semester has been one of the hardest, but one of the most fulfilling. I'm growing everyday, and I'm living everyday. And that's good enough for today.

If a number could equate the times that I loved you,
it would take many countless years to tell with
how much I loved you.

If a word could equate the feeling that I loved you,
a library wouldn't hold all the books with
how much I loved you.

If water could measure how much I loved you,
the ocean would overfill with
how much I loved you.

If the sky could hold how much I loved you,
the air would burst with
how much I loved you.

If I could tell you how much I loved you,
I would cry with
how much I loved you.

Love you.






 

Sometimes parents do things that we don't understand, that we, at the time, feel are invasions of our youthful independence. I remember many instances in my life where I had a passion, or what I thought would be my life's goal, and then my father seeing that I had such a goal would try is best to help me.

I didn't see it as help at the time. I found the attempts to be misguided and cumbersome. I didn't know why my dad would be so forceful about issues.

The first time I can recall my dad stepping a foot into my learnings was when I was really into art. I remember it like this:

I was drawing a house. I drew lots of houses, over and over and over again, always the same single faceted, single dimensioned house. A child's drawing. My dad didn't seem to think that this was improving at all and put in front of me a piece of white paper and a book on architecture. He pointed out a picture of the corner of a roof. Dynamic perspective was what my dad wanted me to draw.

"Draw this," he said.

I wasn't happy at all about being told to draw something and refused at first.

"No TV until you draw this." Was his only response.

Frustrated and angry I pouted and stared at the impossible looking task. I'd never dawn such perspective before. The small fist sized picture was daunting to my inexperienced hands. I cried at the injustice. I didn't want to do this at all!

But I tried, and after what seemed like hours I managed to draw the picture. Proudly, I finished drawing a copy of the house roof corner and showed it to my dad.

I was given back my TV privileges.

The second instance, was when I had aspirations of being a doctor. I wanted to be a healer. I wanted to help others. That's all I wanted.

My dad found a program that was a college level program on the human body. It became part of our homeschooling for a time. I didn't like it. There were too many complicated words and it all looked so difficult. I expressed as much and my father's only response was:

"You'll have to know this if you want to be a good doctor."

I didn't have to know anything I didn't want to. At least that's what I felt at the time.

I later gave up on doctoring in favor for other things, namely I wanted to be an astronaut.

I dreamed of space all the time. Night dreams and daydreams all the time.

As part of homeschooling we were trying to learn a programming language. I forget at this time if it was Pascal or C, but after a while I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. It was too much. Again my dad's response was:

"If you go up into space and you have an accident you'll have to write a new program to save your crew members. Do you want your crew to die?"

That hurt my feelings a lot.  

I realize now, now that I can view my memories objectively that my dad was only trying to help. Even if his methods were too abrasive at time. I know now that I have to sometimes put more work into life that what I want to. I know now that no matter what I do, I should put in my 100% if not more.

My dad pushed, and I pushed back. I didn't like being forced to do things that I already wanted to do, but I understand now why he did them.

Hindsight is a beautiful thing.