Reaching for the sky tonight
I wondered where I might take flight

So I'm getting closer and closer to deciding whether or not I'm going to continue my current career path. I think my final word is this: I will learn to be a teacher in undergrad, and go into Higher Ed for grad school. I will have those two to fall back on while I continue working on my stories.

In the mean time, I have to work on my ability to manage my time. I have to learn how to confront problems head on instead of falling behind every time something or someone makes things difficult.

I think, however, that I need to work on changing something. Changing something in myself. Some thing in my personality, my character, my state of mind, is weak. It leads to other weaknesses.

Only once have I ever tasked myself with changing a fundamental object in my persona. That was years ago, though. And I did it because I absolutely hated myself. 

I don't hate myself, in fact, I think that I've gotten to a point where I really enjoy who I am as a person, and that is phenomenal considering how bad it got a few years ago. Right now, I'm settled psychologically. The people I work with and live around are stable people. I'm at peace with my troubles and at peace with the troublemakers. I feel no grudge towards anyone or anything, and despite my mother's continued psychosis I don't hate her for it and thus do not hate myself for it.

Few things really bother me at this point. I've gotten over the marked emotional pain from a couple months ago. It's really just a faded memory despite the scar tissue on my heart. I try not to get to flustered over the mishaps of coworkers and for the most part I haven't cried once because of something externally internal since the end of Spring semester.

I think that my saving grace so far has been that I've been able to hang out with friends more. Last year was horrible for me. I hardly hung out with anyone. Loneliness was a constant companion and hindsight, being the female dog that it is, had afforded me a rare look into my own subconscious mind. I have a tendency to become apathetic, complacent and passive about what happens around me. I'm far too much in a "go with the flow" state of mind. I have been jumping off the cliff because everyone else is doing it too, so to speak. This has led to mistakes and hardship.

I begin to wonder where my arrow is. Where on my scale does the arrow direct me. I had hoped that I was pointing point blank forward. But in hindsight's looking glass I'm pointing straight back. That's not good. It means I have gone from Direct Action  to a state of Torpid Action. 

And while I am awake and see the world, I am truly intellectually hibernating. I know where I've gone wrong in the past at least. Thankful for the human capacity to understand and contrast the past with the future, I will continue forward with an eye on the past but my mind in the future.

To start with, I think that I need to understand myself better. There is something fundamentally off right now. I think that a self discussion with myself will help me come to terms with my foundation, my grounding and my humanity.