I don't know what this is... a strange dream I wrote it down yesterday. Trying to figure out what my brains are trying to communicate.


I’m standing on the edge of a cliff. There are only two routes I can take. The one down the cliff, it’s cold, empty and lonely. I can feel sorrow coming from the swirling fogs surrounding the depths. The second route is into the mountain behind me. In that place it is dark, it promises friendship and warmth, but at the same time, to enter that darkness is to shed any sense of myself that I know. I feel this inherently.

Both routes call to me. But looking between the two I feel torn. One way I will be comforted, the other I will be alone. But down the cliff is filled with lit fog, while the mountain route is filled with oppressing dark. I feel myself shake in the cold winds rushing past the cliff. I look to the sky where my friends who are birds circling from a distance call down to me, encouragement that they know I’ll make the right decision.

I find it really, truly sad that I have finally gotten so low in funds, that I'm now finding myself preparing to sell tons of my precious books. I don't feel happy that I'll be getting money from these. It's an unfortunate necessity at this point.

I always thought that I would never be driven to sell my books of all things. But now? Now it's like I have no choice. I just don't have enough anymore. I kinda feel like I'm crying on the inside. Which I guess could be strange to some people, but for me, my books are my sense of solace. My grounding, and my passion. I'm meticulously cataloging everything that I will sell, so that someday, when I have enough money, I can go back and re-buy all my precious words. I guess it was inevitable.

The way things are now. It seems as if life is telling me that I can't be happy. When I was in school, I had the supreme opportunity to be at an emotional rest, but my bout with clinical depression took that all away. and now that my depression is hidden away, out of sight, out of mind, my life comes crashing down around me. Mom left, mid January for Colorado, and left us with a huge electric bill, and no way to support ourselves. I thought for a time, that everything would be okay. I had well over 3000 in my bank account and let my dad use what he needed, and then everything went to hell. There is now less than $50 last I checked that account, and I have -100 in my checking right now, because of a few poor decisions on my part.

I can't seem to get a leg up anymore. This morning I had a stupid argument with Dad. It made no sense, and it was over nothing. But it's clear to me that there is too much stress in this house. It's sucking me dry, and pushing me off a cliff. If I'm not careful I could easily spiral back into depression, and I don't want, oh I don't don't don't want that.

I spent over an hour this morning sobbing out my frustrations after Dad and I argued. I can't do this anymore. I can't stay.

I called Rin, and asked her if she and her roommates were still looking for a fourth person. They were, and I'm now committed to leaving this parasitic life, and moving on to something more fruitful.

It hurts to think that I may be abandoning Dad in a way, but I've given him all that I have. And I don't have any more to give. I have to take care of myself now. I have to get out and be free. I don't want to end up tied to this house and its debt when none of it is mine.

This has all come about because of my parents split. And it hurts to see the open wounds of this life.

It's time to be free.

When the tears fell from the sky, I thought it was raining. But it wasn't. No Gaia was crying because her children were fighting an eternal battle. What do I do, Gaia asked of her children but they couldn't Hear her.

Dear Harry,

I've come to a certain stage in my life where I want more. In the past two years I have failed brilliantly to secure a boyfriend, but I'm aware that it's all part of the equation. Failures = learning = smarter attempts = eventual success. I'm tired of waiting for someone to come to me. I'm more aware of the fact that I'm probably going to be the one who has to initiate things. I hate that, but you know what, no pain no gain.

Also, inside score chart: 0 / 3 / 0. I'm losing!

Oh well. But anyway Harry. In other news I'm really excited about a new project I'm working on. I can't recall if I told you that or not, but I'm working on a facebook game with some new friends of mine, and I think that it will be awesome.

I get to do lots of art, and some writing. oh, it's like a dream come true. If only it paid! and then I would be in like some kind of golden happy land.

Anyway, here's hoping that the meetings with new guys will pan out and I will get to go on  date.

lots of love,

AWB

Dear Harry,

So Mom called the other day. She didn't want to talk for long, and all she's concerned with is finalizing the divorce from Dad. It really hurts that every time she calls now she doesn't want to connect with me.

I guess I've had my tears in the past about this already. I'm not going to cry about it like I did earlier in the year, but inside I still feel my heart breaking apart. How could this happen to me? How could this happen to us? Granted we never lived a perfect life, but still I never expected it to shatter so brilliantly like this.

I feel a certain amount of loss, but at the same time I feel that the only thing I can do is keep my head up and my shoulders strong. I am a strong, well rounded adult woman (which is strange to consider sometimes). I can overcome so much more than the world is throwing at me right now. 

Anyway, I keep dreaming about a place full of mazes. With people I know and people I don't know. You were there too. And I think I missed you too much to bear.

Love you lots,

AWB 

Yesterday, I sat in my room and lamented the fact that my friend Dee was leaving for a whole month. It still hurts to think that my particular crush on him never panned out. I guess it's a good thing that my stress levels have been decreasing dramatically in the past month. I'm not feel quite as stretched thin as I was before.

Although I feel about ten times more lonely now. I don't have anyone to really hang out with on a day to day basis, but I suppose that it's time to remember that I am an independent person. I am free from all others.

I feel the need to meditate more these days too. Even when I was the most stressed out I couldn't relax in a state of meditation. Now, my thoughts wander far and wide and I find myself floating through all the thoughts that plague me from day to day.

The whole debacle between Dee, myself and Bee has led me to realize that I'm stranded. I feel like I'm stranded anyway. Imagine that there is an island and I'm standing on this island watching the boats of my friends pass by. Sometimes they stop by and say hello, but none are there to stay. The other people on the boats are more interesting.

Something that I've been talking with Janet about is that I have a tendency to depreciate myself, but at the same time I feel that others don't appreciate me at all. It's a strange sort of dichotomy where my world is split between self-loathing and a desire to better myself. Though, my talks with Janet have been really beneficial, I'm starting to see the light, I guess. I'm beginning to feel more like a positive force. My positivity is increasing but the negativity around me is threatening to drown out all the progress I've made in the past month and a half.

Sometimes it seems that people only want to help or enter the lives of others when it's convenient to do so. Troy said that people take advantage of me, and I let them. I finally realized why, which sort of helped in my decision to take Janet's advice.

I'm feeling much better in the end, but truthfully I can't wait until I'm not dependent on such a crutch.

Love you lots  

Hiya Harry,

So you wanted to know about Positivity and Negativity.

Pos. and Neg. are states of mind. Now some basic idea about Pos. and Neg. When you are in a particular state, for example, Positivity, then you will attract primarily positive outcomes, and ideas. The same is true for negativity except the opposite. So, Pos = Pos and Neg = Neg. It's a simple equation in my theories about human communication.

Now, these states of mind do more that attract they also have an effect. The effect for positivity is that if you have a positive mindset then your outlook is outward. If you have a negative mindset then your outlook is inward.

Positivity means that you will effect the people and events around you, negativity means that people and events will effect YOU.

Pos and neg are also actions. Pos actions are ones that you do for others without reflecting back on yourself. Essentially self-less giving. Neg actions are those that you do in want for something, like, you agree to do something for someone but in return they have to give you something back. Pos and Neg actions are neither whole bad nor wholly good. There is a balance that you have to find between the two.

Sometimes there are things that you should give away free, and some things you can ask for something in return.

It's almost like a karmic balance. If you take, you must give. 

The ideal goal with Pos and Neg is that you have to try to increase Positivity within yourself and others. Negativity is a challenge that we all must face, but it is not the enemy. It's something that we have to negotiate with, and find the happy medium with. There will always be Negativity but it's up to each person how much they want that Negativity to control their lives. 

Hope that explains it,

Lots of love,

AWB 

Hi Harry,

it's been a while since we talked. I wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you the other day. It's been lonely without you, and I've been trying to find some way to fill the hole that was left behind when you left.

I guess it was for the best, but I still feel like it came too soon. I wanted to let you know that life has been getting better for me. I've taken Janet's advice and I'm feeling much better. You should have been here the other day, me and Nellie were being funny and running around the hotel in Nashville with blankets around our necks. We were pretending to be superheroes.

You have no idea how much of a savior Nellie has been for me. I'm really sad that she lives almost five hours away. I get really lonely without her. You know how I am about claiming someone as a best friend, and only two people have come close to filling that spot. Nellie is a very special third. It breaks my heart to see her constrained by her parents and her job. That girl needs more freedom or she's going to burst.

In other news, I finally finished my first book. I'm working on editing it now and I hope to start sending out querys by the end of June. I'm just going to focus on the first 50 pages and hope to all that is good that I can get published. I know I have something great here, it's just a matter of writing it in such a way that I will claim the hearts and minds of the public. 

Also, I've started working with Caleb on a Facebook game. It's a cool little RPG and I'm doing some of the art. It's so exciting. It feels great to do something I love for someone else. It's taking care of two Pillars all at once.  

Anyway, I remember that you wanted me to explain my theories to you. I never got around to it when we hung out all the time, but now is a good time to do so.

Lots of love,

AWB

I've decided that I will start addressing my posts to my imaginary friend Harry. Say hi to Harry! Myabe that will convince me to post more.

A lot has changed since my last post. Personally I've gone through a tempest. I managed to let go of the first boy I managed to confess to, but then I had to turn around and fall for another boy. This one ended in failure as well.

Let me tell you the story:

Sometime last December, I started to realize that I was getting the warm fuzzies for another one of my coworkers (this already sounds bad). It didn't really hit home for me until winter break when I spent nearly a week with him, he stayed at my house, he went down to Chattanooga with me and another friend. And then he went home. And it hit me that I really liked him. How could I do this to myself? How could I, with so little experience allow myself to fall for someone who would never like me?
I guess that's a problem with being an optimist.
At this time, another one of my coworkers was a really good friend and we talked about things all the time. Naturally I told her how I felt about this boy and she agreed to support me.
I think that's the happiest I've felt in a long time. After the clear failure with Mick, I think I just needed a chance to be happy. But it seems like it was inevitable for me to fail, and fail epically.
Guess what happened. My friend who I told, who I refer to as Bee, for some reason didn't respect my emotions and instead pushed them aside for her own desires. Dee, who is the boy, is a very nice guy. He essentially accepted Bee's attention and suddenly I was confronted with a dilemma. The boy I liked was hugging and holding the girl who at the time must have been my closest friend.
It must have been the second day of training when she came up to my room for food, and I told her that I didn't appreciate what she was doing. I can remember her face t so well when my words hit.
It was like I saw a door close.
Suddenly I lost Bee. Bee went on her way, and did her thing, and she ignored my simple request to back off. She continued to say that no, no I don't like him, but her actions were screaming the opposite of her false words.
My damnation was complete after I was given the advice to just talk to Dee about how I felt. I went to him, when he was alone and told him, the conversation didn't last long because one of his friends came into his room. But I felt so happy to know that I had gotten it off my chest.
Only, it got worse. Dee essentially told me that he wasn't in a good position to consider a relationship, because he'd just gotten out of another bad one and so I said, okay, that's okay. I was okay with waiting.
Now here's the kicker...
Both Dee and Bee started avoiding me. and it HURT.
The semester previous I had dealt with the two worst depressive episodes of my entire life. The first of which, Bee had been the greatest support structure ever. So when she started avoiding me, I lost my entire support structure keeping me above water.
I stopped going to class. I stopped studying. I stopped caring. And it hurt all the more when Bee and Dee seemed to get closer and closer. In my mind, I felt like, I had just failed everything. Who would possibly love me? I was a failure, I was nothing. I was worthless.
I cried so much I'm surprised I managed to keep it secret for so long.
And then came the third emotional break down... with no one to depend on, and no feeling like anyone would ever care about me
, I just wanted to give up. I wanted to run away and never look back. It was when I started sleeping all the time, that I realized that I needed to go back to counseling. I knew that it was time to start taking medicine.
I'm now taking prozac. I don't like it. it's necessary, and I don't want to be worthless anymore. I want to be happy again.
I don't ever want to depend on anyone again, I want my support structure to be myself.
that's what I'm changing, I'm changing myself.
I'm not going to ever reveal my feelings like that to anyone ever again.